Are you American?

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Did you recently become familiar with Gaelic football?

 

Are you unfamiliar with different bits of Ireland and its inhabitants?

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Would you like to support a GAA team that’s better than the super amateurs at your local American GAA club?

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Well, you are in luck! What follows is a guide to help you find your way through the maze of Irish counties and their respective GAA teams. At the end of this rainbow is something even more valuable than a pot of gold: the pointlessly agonizing experience of being a diehard fan of a sports team.

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Answer the following questions as truthfully as possible to find your perfect match!

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1.

If you have Irish ancestors, do you know what county they are from?

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• Yes: Congratulations! You probably have your county!! If your family is from one of: Cork, Mayo, Kerry, Dublin, Meath, Cavan, Donegal, Armagh, Monaghan, Galway, Tyrone, Roscommon, Down, or Derry then your county is decent enough at football that it is worth following and rooting for them! Wear your colors with pride and slander your opponents like local stereotypes actually mean something to you. If your team isn’t that good, too bad! They’re good enough you’ll be a no good traitor if you support anyone else.

• No: continue to #2.

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2.

Do you tend to jump on bandwagons? Is winning more important than true loyalty? Do you expect your team to make you happy? Would you like to root for one of the two teams that have won a combined 69 (very nice) of the 137 All-Ireland championships?

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• That’s Me, GO CHIEFS

  • ​If you like cities and want a bougie experience when you make your pilgrimage to the old country to attend a game in person then congratulations, you’re a Dublin fan! The Dubs are famous winners and hail from both the most populous and wealthiest county in the country. Everyone else will hate you. Some will even accuse you of being West Britain. Don’t worry, they hate you because they ain’t you and you’ve won 9 of the last 14 All-Irelands. But really, we all hate you.

  • Do you like picturesque scenery? Do you want it to be less obvious that you’ve just picked the Yankees of Gaelic football? Do you like butter and woolly sweaters? Then congratulations, you’re a Kerry fan! In the Kingdom, football is king and the top players are princes. Your iconic green and gold kits will immediately identify you as a cool American to any Irish person you happen to meet. Tourists love Kerry too, as long as you don’t mind a bit of a hike and stay away from Tralee. Your best days may be behind you, but for now you’ve still got 7 more All-Ireland championships than Dublin and you’ll make sure they hear all about it. Best of all, you can buy Kerry Gold butter in the grocery store to support your lads!

• No, I have self-respect:  proceed to #3

 

3.

So, you don’t want to just shamelessly root for a winner? Good for you! You’d like someone to honestly believe that you might be a true fan? But you also want a real chance to win an All-Ireland sometime?

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• Yes, I’d like to be able to live with myself and root for a winner 

  • Is it important that your county also has a competitive hurling team?

1. Yes, hurling looks like mad fun!

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• Do you like industrial brick cities? Big fan of the ocean? Prepared to say you think Murphy’s is better than Guinness? Are you drawn to meandering mediocrity with the promise of better days just beyond the horizon? Then maybe, just maybe, Cork is the team for you! The Rebels have everything you need to be a successful GAA team: population, resources, expectations, and tradition. Yet, you’re a perpetual underdog to your main rival: those stupid monarchists in Kerry! And who doesn’t love to root for an underdog? Never ask anyone why it’s called the River Lee and not the Lee River. And try not to look too horrified the first time you see an Irish fan waving a Confederate flag.

• Does Cork sound a bit too busy for you? Too modern? Are you looking for a quaint city with a boondoggle of a cathedral born from the vanity of one bishop in the 1950s? Then it sounds to me like you’re a Galway girl/guy! The Tribesmen are a team that is consistently close, you’ve lost two of the last three All-Ireland finals and last won in 2001. You are home to one of the great Irish cities. Small and welcoming, there’s one block of free wifi in the city square, and a long row of Bed and Breakfasts waiting for your arrival. You’re also the birthplace of the Claddagh ring: a powerful ring that conveys one’s relationship status to others who know the code and get a chance to stare intently at your hand. Sure, your status has been “heartbroken” these last few years, but at least you’re not Mayo. Who’s ready to get hurt again?